Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
