A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
