I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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