he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
