my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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