Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
