So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize