There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
