happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize