im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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