I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
