One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
