Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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