I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
