I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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