Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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