I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
