I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
