i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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