ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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