I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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