Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
