My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
