just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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