I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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