I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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