I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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