the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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