so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
