He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
