Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
