shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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