If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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