I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
