We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
