Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
