A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
