i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
