My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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