The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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