I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
