I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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