just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
