I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I hope mine doesn't look like that
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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