I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
