i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
