She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think I sprained my soul last night
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
