in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
