Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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