I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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