i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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