He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
