"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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