i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
