She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
