never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
