I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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