why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
