TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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