I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
