well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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