Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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