Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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