It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
